It’s officially been one year since I graduated. Yet it feels like just yesterday. It was a last night we spent in my dorm room, just the two of us, sleeping on a small twin bed, sharing the space together. It was the last night before our relationship changed. The last night before it became long distance.
I still remember the tears in your eyes as you walked down the hall and I stood in my cap and gown ready to meet my parents downstairs. You almost made me start crying myself. You told me how great I looked and how proud you were. And I wiped your tears away and we kissed.
Graduation was sad. I couldn’t help but cry, and think all that I was leaving. Stony Brook had became a huge part of me those 4 years. And there I was saying goodbye. I miss Stony Brook. I miss you. I miss us. I miss college. I miss everything I had back then.
But this is now…
I buried my hamster today. She died on Thursday night. She looked so peaceful the way she had rested on the ladder, so calm. It just brought so many tears to my eyes. As corny as it could be, it was the best hamster I ever had. I loved that little hamster.
So as I buried it I just couldn’t help but get lost in thought. How simple life is, and how much we forget to value life, and the little things that are important. Especially me.
I pick at everything. I don’t know why I always have to fight about it all. Looking back everything seems so meaningless. It doesn’t even matter to me. I fucked up this time. You were right. I don’t know why I kept pushing for a conversation. I haven’t even gotten a real job or figured out my life, yet i’m striving to have this conversation…for what? What good will it get me? You were right, baby steps, one project at a time.
I tried reaching out and apologizing but I get no response.
I guess I get what I deserve, right?
Funny how day by day it all feel the same…but looking back so much has changed in a year.
I feel like whenever I write in this blog now a days it’s nothing good. I only decide to rant my mind during the hard times. Which is fine, but I should add some happiness right?
Sure happiness, but not this post, maybe another.
12:02 I punched in, and ignored the line of customers forming near the registers, and made my way to the manager’s office. After settling in and completing my tasks about an hour into work, I look down upon my phone to see a text message from my mother. “great grand father Boris died”
I’d say that is a terrible way to break the news to someone mother, but then again in this day in age and technology and everything, blah blah, it is what it is. I called my mother and I could hear her crying softly.
I put down the phone and burst into tears. For anyone who ever watches the CVS cameras, they must love me. Second time I burst out crying in the middle of the office. Man do I hope those tapes aren’t archived for anything. First time when I found out my boyfriend was in the hospital and I couldn’t get ahold of him, now my great grandfather.
I found the other manager in the back. I broke my promise. I smoked. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so guilty. I kept telling myself I would call my family and see how he was doing. Now it was too late. He was gone.
I drove home, numb, and apologizing to the sky, hoping he could hear me. It all I could hope for at this point. I’m sorry great grandpa. I really am. Yet I also tried to convince myself it was alright because his memory was going and he was in no condition to talk on the phone. But still.
Car ride to Brooklyn was silent. So I slept.
The house was silent. Tears, crying, but silence. We sat in the living room, as his wife, my great grandmother told little stories about their marriage and little jokes about him. It was sweet, but she still cried. My heart sank for her. She was now alone. Before it had been her, her sister, my other great grandma who passed about three years ago now, and now her husband.
We can’t say his death was a shock or out of the blue. It was expected. He had cancer, he was 90+ years of age. But the cancer took him. That was the saddest part. From the man I once knew him to be. Someone who built things with his own hands, always kept busy to a frail body of bones, with little memory left of those who surround him. It was hard. He was in pain almost every night.
The living room we sat in was dark. It was painted a light blue color but with not much light entering the room it was dark and cold. Sitting in my chair I could directly see the room my great grandpa spent his dying days in. And the curtains were up, and the sun was beaming in. It look so bright and cheery. I can’t help but enjoy looking for signs in life. I believe we see things for a reason and the sun entering the room, really did make me believe he was in a better place now, pain free.
I can’t say I have too many memories with him. Most happened when I was young and still living in Brooklyn. As I got older I grew apart from my grandparents. But the little things I do remember will stay with me, and I will always cherish them.
Backtracking. We arrived to the house just as my great grandfather was being wrapped up outside in a blue furry blanket, laying on a maroon hospital bed. We didn’t see the body but that image will stay in my head forever. It was just so somber and unreal…
Gone, he was gone. Never to wake up again. It’s a terrible thought.
When I was a kid, I would say somewhere between the ages of 7-12, most nights that I remembered, I would sit in my bed and pray to God. I prayed to ask him that he would let me and my family live forever. I sat there listing everyone’s name. Guess not everything works out.
Because just like that…he was gone.
Rest In Peace Great Grandpa Boris<3
i love how sometimes in the darkest of times the little things get your spirit up.
I love post secret, i love everything about it, and one day i can’t wait to go to an event.
During my years in college a fellow student held the same love and decided to do multiple projects with the same idea.
Basically leading to a giant showcase towards the end of my senior year of “secrets” from the campus.
Recently someone anonymously started a facebook “group” I guess you can call it. Now with all of facebook’s features, there’s a photo and a cover photo and this and that.
I didn’t notice it at first.
I decided to look closer, what was it, who was it.
It was me.
I was a picture of me standing there reading the secrets.
A simple smile
a laugh indeed