Reoccurring Thoughts

I wish that maybe the world would end today. 

12/21/12

Or as some refer to as dooms day. 

I couldn’t sleep, nor would I, I knew that for a fact. Funny things you learn about yourself over the years is you can start to figure out when you won’t be sleeping, and when you will. See last night I went to bed around 12, woke up just the same, felt so good to sleep so well, especially right after being sick.

To be honest I didn’t hear the last words you muttered on the phone, I just heard silence, waited for your voice, but instead I heard a click dial-tone. And the tears just streamed down my face. I laid there in the dark but somehow I couldn’t be still. 

I could hear the rain pound down on the windows, and I wondered if dooms day was really coming. I can’t say either way how I feel, part of me believes, the other part says don’t be foolish. 

But I laid in bed wondering what to do for the next few hours as I’d be wide awake. I thought what would make me feel better? Some hopeless romantic comedy where the guy wins over the girls heart and happy ever after? Too cheesy. 

Well the worlds supposed to possibly end soon right? I though about my favorite book, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, and realized I have never seen the movie. I wonder how different it is? How similar it could be, even though I vaguely remember the book.

I’m sure the book is better, but the movie was still nice to watch. One thing that always got me was Eddie’s love for Marguerite. The way Mitch Albom captivated it, by simple words and actions was magnificent. The part the hopeless romantic in me always loves. Their love was simple, trustworthy, engaging, and always only for each other. It was beautiful. 

I think in life sometimes we lose sight of the moments we spend with our loved ones, or times we tell them they mean something to us, and only after great accidents or traumatic events we remind ourselves, and them why we love them. There should be other times then these hardship events, but sometimes we just forget. And the possibility of ‘dooms” day actually coming, just allowed me to express my gratuity and love once more. 

And for someone to lie to me about being upset, only hurt more. I love you more then words could say. And any day I could see you I would take it no matter what. No matter what. It’s not you I was saying I didn’t care for seeing, it was me saying I didn’t care what days off you had. I said it in my own anger from our earlier argument. But to say I have no filter is unjust. I do, you just don’t realize it, and you havent met me from my younger filterless days. Its not a justification just an example. Nonetheless I am not looking for excuses, I’m looking for a better way to remind you that no matter what, no matter the hardships, my love doesn’t change, and I always want to see you. 

I like this quote, which also, not entirely, but to an extant works with us as well. 

“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. 
Life has to end,” she said. “Love doesn’t.”

It pertains more for death, but distance can work as well. In distance we don’t get to see each other often, but we still have love. And I believe while we are apart our love heights our memory, we think about our times together and picture those moments more until we get to be together again. 

I don’t even know what to write…

i just know the next few hours are going to suck…

times like this i wish i could escape reality…

If I could bitch out all the annoying customers, and just walk out the door and quit, I would in a heartbeat. 

I dream about the day I get a better job, with better money, so that I can quit this place. 

No one cares about the workers, no nothing. Just people treating clerks and managers like dirty. It disgusting, and terrible how cruel people are.

I can’t say I give my best each day, its hard and tiring, but I do try, I try to ask customers if they need help, be as pleasant as possible to people, and help resolve issues as best as I can to accommodate customers. 

But your moral only goes down, when you just get screamed at, accused of being a bad worker and this and that. First off what if your right mind make you think you have any right to scream at me? What gives you that right? Just because you are a customer? What is wrong with you?

The best today was yet, my staff was accused of being racist. Not only did we all stay past our closing hours to accomadate this women, all we asked if how she had a raincheck from 2007. Thats a five year old coupon, slightly questionable, but she reacts be accusing us of being racist and saying we would never ask a white person this. In my defense, yes we would…anyone having a 5 year old coupon is questionable. This had nothing to do with her skin color, (which was fairly light, and blue eyes) the most she could possible be, is half-black. But thats not the point.

I consider myself a strong skinned person, but just getting attack after attack of people yelling and making me feel like a worthless person is getting to me. 

I wish finding a “real” job wasn’t this difficult. 

on a side note this is old but amen! 
http://www.my3cents.com/showReview.cgi?id=34741 

I don’t know what to say. 

I don’t know what to do.

For the first time in months my life is finally on the rise.
My parents are now officially homeowners. My professor approved my paper, so soon enough I will finally have a real degree.

And then you have to go a fuck shit up. I had a fantastic weekend with my friends. I got so drunk it was amazing. It felt good to be free for the first time in a long time. Got to see my close college friends, and just catch up on life.

It all felt good again. 

The car ride back I was so excited to finally be able to read all the messages you sent me, felt so happy that you actually sent a lot. I calmly replied and began waiting for a response. I guess I wasn’t surprised when you first didn’t respond. It’s like you to sleep late or whatever. 

But the panic started when a received a text message asking if you were ok? Ok with what? What happened? My mind raced for the next hour, as I stood at work, calling everybody I could to piece the story together. I didn’t know what to think. Some people told me you were drunk, others sat their and told me you seemed fine. 

I don’t know which emotion I felt more. 

Sad, I felt sad. I felt sorry for you that you smashed your car, and ended up in the hospital. All I could do at this point was hope you didn’t have terrible injuries. I felt bad for you going to jail. No one should ever go through something like that. 

Furious, I felt furious. You fucking lied to me. Time and time over again I have begged you not to drink and drive. I begged you to sleep at the house if you had too much to drink. For fucks sake I have offered to give leave you cab fair if you are so desperate to go home. I fucked begged and fought over this so much. I honestly still get so mad when I think about all this. It’s like I basically saw this coming. I begged you to be careful. But everyone thinks they are superman right? No one ever thinks it will happen to them. I have dealt with enough alcoholic fathers, ex boyfriends, and their fathers to know a little something about drinking and driving. I told you I don’t want to stand around for this, and watch you reck your life. 

Mad, I felt mad. You went to fucking jail. JAIL, JAIL JAIL. Does that process in your fucking head? You went to Jail. And the fact that you can text me that it doesn’t phase you much at all, is terrible. You messed up. Sorry I don’t care what other people say, You messed up and it’s not ok. It will not be fine. You fucked up. You broke someones leg, you broke your own finger, you recked your car. Your parents were so nice and gracious to buy a new car and let you use it. You don’t pay insurance on it or anything. So instead you took advantage of everything that was given to you. You thought you were superman right? God forbid you killed someone, have you thought about that one? 

Angry, I felt angry. I know in about a month this will all be a joke to you. You will be at some party with your brothers, drinking and telling them the story of how you went to jail. HA. HA. right? Your 21 years old and soon to graduate college, your going to be an adult soon, with a job and bills to pay. Did you see any of the older men that were in the holding cell with you? Do you want to be like that in a few years? I know college is about having fun, and I totally believe you should enjoy your senior year. I am all for it, but most people use their brian a little. DWI’s reck peoples lives. They do. 

Scared, I felt scared, and I still do. I think you have a problem. I think you really do. You keep lying to me about how much you drink and what and when, you drink with no regards. I am worried. And I am worried how much worse it will get when I chose to still stay here. I am trying to pick myself up from my own hard times, and I don’t know if I can stand here and watch you destroy yourself, and bring me down along with it. I can’t just take days off of work when you fuck up, to go see if you are ok. I can’t just blow almost 200 dollars in transportation to sit in court and watch you in handcuffs. I can’t try to quit, and then start by smoking a pack a day. I can’t go 48 hours without eating because I am nervous and sick to my stomach. I can’t. I can’t trust you. I don’t know how to believe you, or what to think. How can a relationship work without trust? You fucked up before. You lied to me and I have given you another chance. I keep giving you chance after chance, and for what? For me to be here for almost two years and still be lied to? I don’t think I deserve that the least bit, at all. 

Everyone always says musics help. But right now there there is no song in the world I can listen to to drown this all away. 
 

I don’t know what to do, because I don’t think you will change…

I don’t know if I can stay here any longer…

But don’t worry I am sure your brothers will be there for you.