I feel like whenever I write in this blog now a days it’s nothing good. I only decide to rant my mind during the hard times. Which is fine, but I should add some happiness right?
Sure happiness, but not this post, maybe another.
12:02 I punched in, and ignored the line of customers forming near the registers, and made my way to the manager’s office. After settling in and completing my tasks about an hour into work, I look down upon my phone to see a text message from my mother. “great grand father Boris died”
I’d say that is a terrible way to break the news to someone mother, but then again in this day in age and technology and everything, blah blah, it is what it is. I called my mother and I could hear her crying softly.
I put down the phone and burst into tears. For anyone who ever watches the CVS cameras, they must love me. Second time I burst out crying in the middle of the office. Man do I hope those tapes aren’t archived for anything. First time when I found out my boyfriend was in the hospital and I couldn’t get ahold of him, now my great grandfather.
I found the other manager in the back. I broke my promise. I smoked. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so guilty. I kept telling myself I would call my family and see how he was doing. Now it was too late. He was gone.
I drove home, numb, and apologizing to the sky, hoping he could hear me. It all I could hope for at this point. I’m sorry great grandpa. I really am. Yet I also tried to convince myself it was alright because his memory was going and he was in no condition to talk on the phone. But still.
Car ride to Brooklyn was silent. So I slept.
The house was silent. Tears, crying, but silence. We sat in the living room, as his wife, my great grandmother told little stories about their marriage and little jokes about him. It was sweet, but she still cried. My heart sank for her. She was now alone. Before it had been her, her sister, my other great grandma who passed about three years ago now, and now her husband.
We can’t say his death was a shock or out of the blue. It was expected. He had cancer, he was 90+ years of age. But the cancer took him. That was the saddest part. From the man I once knew him to be. Someone who built things with his own hands, always kept busy to a frail body of bones, with little memory left of those who surround him. It was hard. He was in pain almost every night.
The living room we sat in was dark. It was painted a light blue color but with not much light entering the room it was dark and cold. Sitting in my chair I could directly see the room my great grandpa spent his dying days in. And the curtains were up, and the sun was beaming in. It look so bright and cheery. I can’t help but enjoy looking for signs in life. I believe we see things for a reason and the sun entering the room, really did make me believe he was in a better place now, pain free.
I can’t say I have too many memories with him. Most happened when I was young and still living in Brooklyn. As I got older I grew apart from my grandparents. But the little things I do remember will stay with me, and I will always cherish them.
Backtracking. We arrived to the house just as my great grandfather was being wrapped up outside in a blue furry blanket, laying on a maroon hospital bed. We didn’t see the body but that image will stay in my head forever. It was just so somber and unreal…
Gone, he was gone. Never to wake up again. It’s a terrible thought.
When I was a kid, I would say somewhere between the ages of 7-12, most nights that I remembered, I would sit in my bed and pray to God. I prayed to ask him that he would let me and my family live forever. I sat there listing everyone’s name. Guess not everything works out.
Because just like that…he was gone.
Rest In Peace Great Grandpa Boris<3
i love how sometimes in the darkest of times the little things get your spirit up.
I love post secret, i love everything about it, and one day i can’t wait to go to an event.
During my years in college a fellow student held the same love and decided to do multiple projects with the same idea.
Basically leading to a giant showcase towards the end of my senior year of “secrets” from the campus.
Recently someone anonymously started a facebook “group” I guess you can call it. Now with all of facebook’s features, there’s a photo and a cover photo and this and that.
I didn’t notice it at first.
I decided to look closer, what was it, who was it.
It was me.
I was a picture of me standing there reading the secrets.
A simple smile
a laugh indeed
Just because you’re mad at someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them.
i love this
I wish that maybe the world would end today.
Or as some refer to as dooms day.
I couldn’t sleep, nor would I, I knew that for a fact. Funny things you learn about yourself over the years is you can start to figure out when you won’t be sleeping, and when you will. See last night I went to bed around 12, woke up just the same, felt so good to sleep so well, especially right after being sick.
To be honest I didn’t hear the last words you muttered on the phone, I just heard silence, waited for your voice, but instead I heard a click dial-tone. And the tears just streamed down my face. I laid there in the dark but somehow I couldn’t be still.
I could hear the rain pound down on the windows, and I wondered if dooms day was really coming. I can’t say either way how I feel, part of me believes, the other part says don’t be foolish.
But I laid in bed wondering what to do for the next few hours as I’d be wide awake. I thought what would make me feel better? Some hopeless romantic comedy where the guy wins over the girls heart and happy ever after? Too cheesy.
Well the worlds supposed to possibly end soon right? I though about my favorite book, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, and realized I have never seen the movie. I wonder how different it is? How similar it could be, even though I vaguely remember the book.
I’m sure the book is better, but the movie was still nice to watch. One thing that always got me was Eddie’s love for Marguerite. The way Mitch Albom captivated it, by simple words and actions was magnificent. The part the hopeless romantic in me always loves. Their love was simple, trustworthy, engaging, and always only for each other. It was beautiful.
I think in life sometimes we lose sight of the moments we spend with our loved ones, or times we tell them they mean something to us, and only after great accidents or traumatic events we remind ourselves, and them why we love them. There should be other times then these hardship events, but sometimes we just forget. And the possibility of ‘dooms” day actually coming, just allowed me to express my gratuity and love once more.
And for someone to lie to me about being upset, only hurt more. I love you more then words could say. And any day I could see you I would take it no matter what. No matter what. It’s not you I was saying I didn’t care for seeing, it was me saying I didn’t care what days off you had. I said it in my own anger from our earlier argument. But to say I have no filter is unjust. I do, you just don’t realize it, and you havent met me from my younger filterless days. Its not a justification just an example. Nonetheless I am not looking for excuses, I’m looking for a better way to remind you that no matter what, no matter the hardships, my love doesn’t change, and I always want to see you.
I like this quote, which also, not entirely, but to an extant works with us as well.
"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.
Life has to end,” she said. “Love doesn’t.”
It pertains more for death, but distance can work as well. In distance we don’t get to see each other often, but we still have love. And I believe while we are apart our love heights our memory, we think about our times together and picture those moments more until we get to be together again.